silversnowfall | 74. [voice/written]

74. [voice/written]

[Some say too much deep thought begets deeper problems.]

I've been thinking.

[Nephry has a piece of paper in front of her, as well as a book open to a marked page.]

Mm, I should say that reading has been making me think. Indulge me for a moment, if you will: there is a relatively small portion of our population living in this village that arrived more than three Luceti years ago. It's an easy number for me to choose, because I fall into that category as well. I don't know many of those sharing a 'cycle year' with me as personally as I might, but-

[Here she stops, taps the page of the other book, and tries a new direction. Included in her explanation is a description of the formula she mentions.]

Something I read about and didn't understand prompted a bit more research on my part. I'm interested in testing whether this...theory, I suppose, of mine happens to prove true. In another world, there is a kind of formula for determining how ready one is to accept the inevitable. I believe that, with some exceptions of course, one 'step' in this formula enacts itself in the space of one Luceti cycle year. [Then she illustrates what the heck she means by that, expanding upon a chart she found in her research.]

[A half-laugh. Actually it's quite a sad sound.] Doesn't that sound strange? And yet I remember being in complete disbelief that such things were possible, and then worrying about my friends and hating the Malnosso for what they do to us, and then wanting nothing more than to use our limited knowledge as some kind of wager for the chance to change-

And now...to a degree, I still feel all of these other things, and yet- [No. Perhaps it's best not to go into that so publicly. It's unbecoming of a governor for certain.] Well, now I'm asking the rest of you. No matter how long you have been here. Does this hold true for you?

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I think that if there isn't one, living here would feel emptier somehow. ...Much as it is for life in Auldrant. People struggled without a predicted future to fall upon.

[That... gets a pause out of him. Did removing the Score really remove the people's sense of purpose in the world? It had been Ion's own naivety that led him to believe that all human beings are born with a purpose, whereas replicas are created for one. He would rather die for a purpose than continue to live without one, and though he would never express that sentiment in words, even now, that was how he felt. To an extent.]

[He knew it would take time for people to adjust to a world without the Score -- a world free from it -- but he believed that to be a good thing. In the end, the people were better off without its influence.]

[And yet despite that, he doesn't quite know what to say. He never got the opportunity to see that world.]

You think life in Auldrant is empty without the Score?

No. I have seen, however, what happens when people who felt they knew the direction of their lives suddenly found themselves without any supposed guidance at all. Reliance on the Score had grown extreme, of course, but...well, it would be like if you followed a map halfway to the next town and then someone took the map away from you but you still wanted to get there.

But what use is there for a map that doesn't lead anywhere?

[He spent the final moments of his life reading that map that the people had wanted to follow so fervently. Not even Ion, who had once believed the Score to be a useful tool, could see merit in following that prophecy of death. After all, the Score is only absolute to those who follow it as such. For those who rejected it or lived outside of it, it was easier to see the Score as only a single path out of many possibilities.]

[Of course, not everyone sees things that way. And it would be naive to think so.]

But I suppose it would only be an excuse to say that the first few years would of course be difficult. It was my hope for the Order to instead work to fulfill the role of guiding the people down a new path and teaching everyone how to live free from the Score... but I can't speak for how my successor would have handled things. Admittedly, I've never asked.

Things are...different. The Order is doing its best, but their goal of upholding the Score was torn apart after Van was defeated. Unfortunately, not everyone has your understanding of the way the Score was meant to be.

Edited 2013-01-26 21:16 (UTC)

The "goal" of the Order was already in the process of changing the first time we interrupted his plans. It was only those still loyal to the Grand Maestro faction within the order who were resisting that change. Though with the defeat of Van, I imagine change within the order would have increased, but it would take a while before those changes could reach other parts of the world. We knew it wouldn't be easy, and I never expected people to accept the idea right away. But with more time, I--

[His own words catch him off guard, and for a short moment, that surprise shows on his face. But it's just as quickly retracted, and the thought is stamped out before he even has the opportunity to think it through. More time... he's never thought about things back home like that before, with the idea that there were still things back home that he could do -- maybe even things he needed to do.]

[Perhaps that's the real reason it still hurt to think of Auldrant. And the reason he still tried so hard not to.]

...I'm sorry. I lost my train of thought. [...] But despite everything, I still believe the people of Auldrant will someday move past the Score. The world is better off without it's influence.

With more time, you might have made the proper changes. [Gently. He would have, she thinks.] I believe that Anise, at least, is set on making them in your stead, one way or another.

[...]

[He's not sure if he wants to respond to that or not. And even if he did, he's not sure how he would.]

[There's a few moments of silence from his side before he speaks again.]

...it looks like we've gotten a bit off track from your initial topic, haven't we?

Yes, it does.

[She might seem to be silent for a while; in truth, she's coming to knock on Ion's door.]

[Oh, that surprised him a bit! He wasn't sure what to make of the silence on the other line, and for a moment, he doesn't actually think it's Nephry.]

[You know, until he opens the door.]

Nephry?

Hello. [And she makes a small point of closing her journal in front of him.] There are some things that I feel should not be discussed where others might have access to them.

...oh. I suppose I wasn't considering that.

[Though as far as he's concerned, the only part of their conversation hinging on information he'd rather keep secret was over. And right now, there's a part of him wishing he'd simply responded until a filter.]

[It's not as though he doesn't want to see Nephry, of course, but he's been rather avoidant of everyone since yesterday.]

Do you want to come in?

I don't want to bother you. If you would like to keep talking, we can; I just wanted to let you know why I stopped.

[Ion's... torn. On the one hand, he's still worried about that post and what it meant for Nephry. But on the other, selfishly, he'd still rather keep to himself right now.]

[It takes a little longer than normal for him to respond, stepping back to open the door wide.]

It wouldn't be a bother at all.

On the contrary, I think it would. Would you prefer it if I just brought you something from the kitchen instead?

[She's not put out, and it doesn't hurt her feelings. Ion wants to be by himself, and he's more than entitled to that.]

[...]

[Wordlessly, he returns to door to how it had been moments before.]

...that's all right. I'm not hungry.

[She said the wrong thing after all. Nephry's expression falters.]

Ion, I'm sorry. ...I'm sorry.

What...? [He frowns, as if to match her change in expression.] What are you apologizing for?

Because I can't seem to...to say the right things to you today, and I just keep hurting you somehow instead.

[And all of these conversations have taken a toll on someone who wasn't in the best state to begin with.]

Nephry...

[Well, that's more than enough to bring down that wall he'd been holding up to hide his real mood.]

It's not your fault. I'm... I've just been in a bad mood these past two days. I didn't want to take it out on anyone else, but... I guess I already have. I'm sorry.

[It takes her a minute to answer, because she has to fight herself for control of her voice back.]

Please don't apologize. Your feelings are what they are.

[And yet if he had better control of his feelings, perhaps he wouldn't be in this bad mood in the first place.]

That still doesn't change the fact that I upset you. [The hand gripping the doorknob tightens.] I'm sorry, I... I don't think I would be very good company right now. I don't want to upset you again.

I'll be here, if you want to talk about what's bothering you. [The hand she rests briefly on his shoulder is shaking just a little bit.] Don't feel forced.

[That trembling hand on his shoulder causes more pain than he'd like to admit, and he suddenly finds that he can't look up. And so he just nods.]

[She's always there to support him, and now he can't even do the same for her in return. It hurts, and he doesn't know what to do... for either of them.]

[And with a final nod, all he can do is reply:] All right.

[That hand lifts to rest on the top of his head for just a second - he's getting taller still, isn't he - and run to the edge of his hair before she turns to go.

Ordinarily, she would expect him to find her after a while. This time, she doesn't know what to expect at all.]

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