silversnowfall | 74. [voice/written]

74. [voice/written]

[Some say too much deep thought begets deeper problems.]

I've been thinking.

[Nephry has a piece of paper in front of her, as well as a book open to a marked page.]

Mm, I should say that reading has been making me think. Indulge me for a moment, if you will: there is a relatively small portion of our population living in this village that arrived more than three Luceti years ago. It's an easy number for me to choose, because I fall into that category as well. I don't know many of those sharing a 'cycle year' with me as personally as I might, but-

[Here she stops, taps the page of the other book, and tries a new direction. Included in her explanation is a description of the formula she mentions.]

Something I read about and didn't understand prompted a bit more research on my part. I'm interested in testing whether this...theory, I suppose, of mine happens to prove true. In another world, there is a kind of formula for determining how ready one is to accept the inevitable. I believe that, with some exceptions of course, one 'step' in this formula enacts itself in the space of one Luceti cycle year. [Then she illustrates what the heck she means by that, expanding upon a chart she found in her research.]

[A half-laugh. Actually it's quite a sad sound.] Doesn't that sound strange? And yet I remember being in complete disbelief that such things were possible, and then worrying about my friends and hating the Malnosso for what they do to us, and then wanting nothing more than to use our limited knowledge as some kind of wager for the chance to change-

And now...to a degree, I still feel all of these other things, and yet- [No. Perhaps it's best not to go into that so publicly. It's unbecoming of a governor for certain.] Well, now I'm asking the rest of you. No matter how long you have been here. Does this hold true for you?

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[...]

[Wordlessly, he returns to door to how it had been moments before.]

...that's all right. I'm not hungry.

[She said the wrong thing after all. Nephry's expression falters.]

Ion, I'm sorry. ...I'm sorry.

What...? [He frowns, as if to match her change in expression.] What are you apologizing for?

Because I can't seem to...to say the right things to you today, and I just keep hurting you somehow instead.

[And all of these conversations have taken a toll on someone who wasn't in the best state to begin with.]

Nephry...

[Well, that's more than enough to bring down that wall he'd been holding up to hide his real mood.]

It's not your fault. I'm... I've just been in a bad mood these past two days. I didn't want to take it out on anyone else, but... I guess I already have. I'm sorry.

[It takes her a minute to answer, because she has to fight herself for control of her voice back.]

Please don't apologize. Your feelings are what they are.

[And yet if he had better control of his feelings, perhaps he wouldn't be in this bad mood in the first place.]

That still doesn't change the fact that I upset you. [The hand gripping the doorknob tightens.] I'm sorry, I... I don't think I would be very good company right now. I don't want to upset you again.

I'll be here, if you want to talk about what's bothering you. [The hand she rests briefly on his shoulder is shaking just a little bit.] Don't feel forced.

[That trembling hand on his shoulder causes more pain than he'd like to admit, and he suddenly finds that he can't look up. And so he just nods.]

[She's always there to support him, and now he can't even do the same for her in return. It hurts, and he doesn't know what to do... for either of them.]

[And with a final nod, all he can do is reply:] All right.

[That hand lifts to rest on the top of his head for just a second - he's getting taller still, isn't he - and run to the edge of his hair before she turns to go.

Ordinarily, she would expect him to find her after a while. This time, she doesn't know what to expect at all.]

[Were this any other time, he just might have sought her out. But this time... it was different. As much as he feels talking to her might help, he just can't escape that guilt.]

[But it was more than just that, wasn't it? There are still things he doesn't even want to admit to himself... things he can't. And it's for that reason that he just can't bring himself to go and talk to her. What would he even say? What could he say, that wouldn't just be more attempts to deny his feelings?]

[The next time she'll see him will be at dinner, though he won't stay long, and he won't be very talkative. Eventually, he'll blame it on a headache and quietly excuse himself to his room.]

[Ion's actions at dinner are well out of the ordinary for him. Since he didn't seek her out, though, Nephry feels that it wouldn't be fair of her to press him for information instead.

What she will do is bring him a mug of hot chocolate and something for his headache, before she goes to her room for the evening. Thus, more knocking.]

Come in.

[He doesn't get up to open the door, perhaps because a part of him is expecting it to be Anise. He's laying on his bed, though on top of the covers and still wearing his clothes from the day. He also left the lamp of his dresser on, providing a dim light -- just enough to be able to see. By all means, he looks like someone who might be dealing with a headache. But that's not exactly the case here.]

It's me. I brought you something.

[She comes in quietly, setting the mug and the medicine within his reach.] Do you feel sick at all, Ion?

[He leans up a bit and turns -- perhaps a little too quickly, when Nephry speaks up. But then he relaxes, and instead turns properly so he can at least sit up.]

Thank you, Nephry... but I'll be all right. I suppose... I was just thinking a bit too much today. It's too cold for a walk, so I thought laying down might help.

Well, I hope it has. There is left-over dinner in the kitchen if you decide you're hungry later. [If he starts down the path of not eating that much again, and it's a similar problem to last time...there's no Saphir or Jade to help him now.]

[That might just end up being the case, or at least it will be for the next few days. It's not something he does on purpose, so no doubt he'll try and correct things once he begins to realize it himself.]

[But for now, he just nods.] I'll keep that in mind.

[Nephry can't exactly blame him for doing a lot of thinking when she suffers from that same affliction. All she does is come close enough to run one hand down his hair again, more hesitantly this time. He just looks like he needs comfort - maybe Anise would be better for that.]

I apologize for upsetting you earlier. Sometimes I want to do the right thing so much that I stumble over what the right thing actually is.

[He lets his eyes fall closed at that -- it was more comforting than she probably knew. A small gesture, but not the sort of affection he ever received as "Fon Master Ion". Right now, he could just be "Ion".]

[Sometimes he actually wondered which was more difficult for him.]

...it's all right. I'm sorry for worrying you. This is... just something I need to work through.

On your own, by all appearances. [And there was nothing wrong with that.] You will get through it, whatever it is.

[Another nod -- and an attempt at a smile, though by the looks of it, he doesn't look so sure.]

[But what choice does he have?]

Thank you, Nephry.

Everyone in this house is here to support you, too. [After all, those that are left each have a connection to him that no one else would.]

I know. I-- [Just as he knows they would all do so gladly if he needed it. But even so...]

...I know.

[He takes a moment for a soft sigh, feeling perhaps it would be best if he just tried to sleep this bad mood off. Maybe he would better in the morning? He could only hope...] It's... getting a bit late now, isn't it? I think I might just turn in for the night.

All right. [She knows a dismissal when she hears one.] Have a good rest, Ion.

Mm. [A nod. He'll certainly try.] Good night, Nephry.

74. [voice/written]

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