silversnowfall | 74. [voice/written]

74. [voice/written]

[Some say too much deep thought begets deeper problems.]

I've been thinking.

[Nephry has a piece of paper in front of her, as well as a book open to a marked page.]

Mm, I should say that reading has been making me think. Indulge me for a moment, if you will: there is a relatively small portion of our population living in this village that arrived more than three Luceti years ago. It's an easy number for me to choose, because I fall into that category as well. I don't know many of those sharing a 'cycle year' with me as personally as I might, but-

[Here she stops, taps the page of the other book, and tries a new direction. Included in her explanation is a description of the formula she mentions.]

Something I read about and didn't understand prompted a bit more research on my part. I'm interested in testing whether this...theory, I suppose, of mine happens to prove true. In another world, there is a kind of formula for determining how ready one is to accept the inevitable. I believe that, with some exceptions of course, one 'step' in this formula enacts itself in the space of one Luceti cycle year. [Then she illustrates what the heck she means by that, expanding upon a chart she found in her research.]

[A half-laugh. Actually it's quite a sad sound.] Doesn't that sound strange? And yet I remember being in complete disbelief that such things were possible, and then worrying about my friends and hating the Malnosso for what they do to us, and then wanting nothing more than to use our limited knowledge as some kind of wager for the chance to change-

And now...to a degree, I still feel all of these other things, and yet- [No. Perhaps it's best not to go into that so publicly. It's unbecoming of a governor for certain.] Well, now I'm asking the rest of you. No matter how long you have been here. Does this hold true for you?

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[...]

[He's not sure if he wants to respond to that or not. And even if he did, he's not sure how he would.]

[There's a few moments of silence from his side before he speaks again.]

...it looks like we've gotten a bit off track from your initial topic, haven't we?

Yes, it does.

[She might seem to be silent for a while; in truth, she's coming to knock on Ion's door.]

[Oh, that surprised him a bit! He wasn't sure what to make of the silence on the other line, and for a moment, he doesn't actually think it's Nephry.]

[You know, until he opens the door.]

Nephry?

Hello. [And she makes a small point of closing her journal in front of him.] There are some things that I feel should not be discussed where others might have access to them.

...oh. I suppose I wasn't considering that.

[Though as far as he's concerned, the only part of their conversation hinging on information he'd rather keep secret was over. And right now, there's a part of him wishing he'd simply responded until a filter.]

[It's not as though he doesn't want to see Nephry, of course, but he's been rather avoidant of everyone since yesterday.]

Do you want to come in?

I don't want to bother you. If you would like to keep talking, we can; I just wanted to let you know why I stopped.

[Ion's... torn. On the one hand, he's still worried about that post and what it meant for Nephry. But on the other, selfishly, he'd still rather keep to himself right now.]

[It takes a little longer than normal for him to respond, stepping back to open the door wide.]

It wouldn't be a bother at all.

On the contrary, I think it would. Would you prefer it if I just brought you something from the kitchen instead?

[She's not put out, and it doesn't hurt her feelings. Ion wants to be by himself, and he's more than entitled to that.]

[...]

[Wordlessly, he returns to door to how it had been moments before.]

...that's all right. I'm not hungry.

[She said the wrong thing after all. Nephry's expression falters.]

Ion, I'm sorry. ...I'm sorry.

What...? [He frowns, as if to match her change in expression.] What are you apologizing for?

Because I can't seem to...to say the right things to you today, and I just keep hurting you somehow instead.

[And all of these conversations have taken a toll on someone who wasn't in the best state to begin with.]

Nephry...

[Well, that's more than enough to bring down that wall he'd been holding up to hide his real mood.]

It's not your fault. I'm... I've just been in a bad mood these past two days. I didn't want to take it out on anyone else, but... I guess I already have. I'm sorry.

[It takes her a minute to answer, because she has to fight herself for control of her voice back.]

Please don't apologize. Your feelings are what they are.

[And yet if he had better control of his feelings, perhaps he wouldn't be in this bad mood in the first place.]

That still doesn't change the fact that I upset you. [The hand gripping the doorknob tightens.] I'm sorry, I... I don't think I would be very good company right now. I don't want to upset you again.

I'll be here, if you want to talk about what's bothering you. [The hand she rests briefly on his shoulder is shaking just a little bit.] Don't feel forced.

[That trembling hand on his shoulder causes more pain than he'd like to admit, and he suddenly finds that he can't look up. And so he just nods.]

[She's always there to support him, and now he can't even do the same for her in return. It hurts, and he doesn't know what to do... for either of them.]

[And with a final nod, all he can do is reply:] All right.

[That hand lifts to rest on the top of his head for just a second - he's getting taller still, isn't he - and run to the edge of his hair before she turns to go.

Ordinarily, she would expect him to find her after a while. This time, she doesn't know what to expect at all.]

[Were this any other time, he just might have sought her out. But this time... it was different. As much as he feels talking to her might help, he just can't escape that guilt.]

[But it was more than just that, wasn't it? There are still things he doesn't even want to admit to himself... things he can't. And it's for that reason that he just can't bring himself to go and talk to her. What would he even say? What could he say, that wouldn't just be more attempts to deny his feelings?]

[The next time she'll see him will be at dinner, though he won't stay long, and he won't be very talkative. Eventually, he'll blame it on a headache and quietly excuse himself to his room.]

[Ion's actions at dinner are well out of the ordinary for him. Since he didn't seek her out, though, Nephry feels that it wouldn't be fair of her to press him for information instead.

What she will do is bring him a mug of hot chocolate and something for his headache, before she goes to her room for the evening. Thus, more knocking.]

Come in.

[He doesn't get up to open the door, perhaps because a part of him is expecting it to be Anise. He's laying on his bed, though on top of the covers and still wearing his clothes from the day. He also left the lamp of his dresser on, providing a dim light -- just enough to be able to see. By all means, he looks like someone who might be dealing with a headache. But that's not exactly the case here.]

It's me. I brought you something.

[She comes in quietly, setting the mug and the medicine within his reach.] Do you feel sick at all, Ion?

[He leans up a bit and turns -- perhaps a little too quickly, when Nephry speaks up. But then he relaxes, and instead turns properly so he can at least sit up.]

Thank you, Nephry... but I'll be all right. I suppose... I was just thinking a bit too much today. It's too cold for a walk, so I thought laying down might help.

Well, I hope it has. There is left-over dinner in the kitchen if you decide you're hungry later. [If he starts down the path of not eating that much again, and it's a similar problem to last time...there's no Saphir or Jade to help him now.]

[That might just end up being the case, or at least it will be for the next few days. It's not something he does on purpose, so no doubt he'll try and correct things once he begins to realize it himself.]

[But for now, he just nods.] I'll keep that in mind.

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