silversnowfall | Appointments 2.0

After years of thinking about it, I've decided that even he doesn't understand him. But, Ion...what did he do that makes you think you aren't friends?

It's... difficult to explain. Maybe it's just because I'm sick... but I can't help but get the impression that I'm nothing but a test subject to him. Like he's only helping me because he sees me as a puzzle that needs to be solved...

[Except there was no solution. What little hope Ion had for a cure flickered like a candle on a good day -- and on a day like today, it was put out entirely.]

...but Jade has always been like that. Perhaps I'm just the one who's changed.

He's not the same Jade that we knew here. [There was nothing of his experience in Luceti to change him. No Gelda Nebilim to forgive him.] I think it is especially hard when dealing with him because the differences became so pronounced.

[Not to you. Not my sister. Nephry closes her eyes and rubs her forehead.]

The man that he was...saw everyone as, I suppose, something to be analyzed, if not solved. To be dismantled for the sake of understanding what it was meant to do, and that includes why and how and what we choose to think.

But I know he doesn't think that way about you. Even if he doesn't grasp how to show the difference. ...He doesn't want anything to happen to you, either.

...I know he doesn't. And to be honest, I don't think this would even be an issue if I wasn't sick.

[It's true, really. If Ion wasn't sick, there wouldn't be as great a need for Jade to look after his health. Of course, even before this business with the miasma started up, Ion did have someone look after his health for various colds and flus... and perhaps it's that comparison that makes Jade's cold attitude towards Ion that much more pronounced. Dist may have never admitted how much he cared for Ion and the others in House One, but the truth of the matter is that he never had to. It was easy enough to see in his actions and reactions (and frequent overreactions). Jade wasn't quite as easy a man to read -- and, in his own words, he was a very cold person.]

[But that comparison is something Ion is only vaguely aware of himself. It isn't so much that Ion has started to dislike Jade, but rather, having Jade around to look after his health instead only reinforces the fact that Dist is gone. Even after all this time, he still misses him.]

I'm sure I'll re-adjust to him in time. It just seems like there's so much going on right now.

[So much that he let his own birthday pass without a second thought, even.]

It certainly does.

[And most of it isn't good. Nephry puts her other hand on top of the one Ion is holding hers with.]

I know I say this often these days, but you don't have to go through any of it by yourself.

...you probably wouldn't have to say it so much if I actually listened once in awhile.

[That would probably work better as a joke if it weren't so tragically true at times, but he manages a small, tired smile regardless. He knows Nephry is trying to help him feel better, and he can only imagine what it must be like to see him still so sick on top of dealing with everything that's been going on. It's all he can do to not just feel like an added burden on everyone right now. And his moping around probably wasn't helping matters, either.]

I suppose I just... don't know how else to deal with things right now. It's easier for me to try and not think about it.

[For a while, she sits there quietly. Enough time passes that once she does start talking again it might seem unconnected.]

Sometimes I think that because you never believed you were going to grow up, you also never prepared yourself for the things that would change once you did. Usually, when that happens, I have to laugh at myself because it isn't as though I was prepared, either - to gain and lose different responsibilities and expectations as a person, and somehow still remain the person I was.

One of those things I was unprepared for is that...that 'not thinking about it' is rarely an acceptable option. The world keeps moving forward no matter how much you want to lock yourself into a room where nothing changes as long as you don't acknowledge it.

[She finally looks at him with a faint smile.] I know I don't need to tell you that. I just think you haven't faced it as someone with a future, before.

[When Nephry starts to speak, at first the smile on Ion's face seems to disappear, his expression unreadable. It's only after she finishes talking that he sits up, with some effort, and brings a hand up to brush his hair from his face. But though his gaze remains downcast, his lips have curled into an odd smile.]

...it's funny. I thought I already learned this lesson. But I suppose it's been so long, I'd almost forgotten.

[How long had he spent in those first few years of life not thinking about anything? He just accepted the way things were for so long, never questioning why things were the way they were. It wasn't until he met up with the others that he began to change, living up to his potential as Fon Master to bring peace to the world -- rather than simply going with the flow and existing as a replacement for his original, never considering the life he held as his own.]

[But even so, there was a difference to consider here. Back on Auldrant, though it's true he was forced to make a choice that day in Mt. Zaleho, the fact of the matter is that his death was still his choice. And he was at peace with that choice. But in Luceti, there is no choice. He's going to die. Not today, and perhaps not even within a month's time, but he knows it could happen. And it terrifies him. It was difficult to think about the future with something like that looming over his shoulders -- even the present seemed too painful.]

...but even knowing what I shouldn't do, I still don't know what I should. I'm just... so tired of being sad. Of being in pain. If I were to acknowledge everything that's happened, I'm afraid I'd suffocate in it. And I don't want to lose any more of myself to this than I already have.

I wish I had a better answer for you. If telling you to decide to be happy instead would work, I would say it as often as possible. Maybe you won't lose yourself if you acknowledge it. [She wants to just hold him, but now more than ever it feels like an intrusion.] Maybe you'll find your way out of the sadness instead.

Appointments 2.0

[May 13, Action]

[May 13, Action]

[May 13, Action]

[May 13, Action]

[May 13, Action]

[May 13, Action]

[May 13, Action]

[May 13, Action] THIS TOOK 2 HOURS TO TYPE ION HAS TOO MANY FEELINGS

[May 13, Action]