silversnowfall | Appointments 2.0

[The past few weeks have been... difficult. Kohan was kidnapped, leading to a seemingly endless paranoia that he could be sent home without Ion ever even knowing at any time. Tear was out of the village on a mission, and just last week Anise was kidnapped as well. And ever since the last draft, there was a definite tension in the air whenever Ion happened to be in the same room with Jade. And though Ion keeps telling himself that this is his problem and Jade isn't at fault, the longer things continue on like this, the more he starts to want to blame Jade. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he can't help but feel it would just be easier if he could.]

[And now, just this morning, Luke and Xion have both been sent home. And though realistically he knows that's the worst of everything that's happened, he still feels so numb to the news. He set his journal on the floor and sat there, staring off at nothing for longer than he even realized before simply laying back down.]

[Lately it seemed as though things just weren't getting easier. Ion was still sick, and the weaker he became, the more difficult it was to find a reason to get out of bed every morning. What was the point? He could rationalize that if he stayed in bed all day, it would make the others worry. He could rationalize that resigning to his bed would be akin to resigning to his fate. He could rationalize that just as there was no reason to get out of bed, there was also no reason to stay in it. And yet no matter how much he tried to rationalize it, he just couldn't convince himself.]

[Today was a bad day. It was raining, so he knew right away that there was no way he would be able to go outside today. Which is probably why despite the fact that it's now well past noon, he's still in bed, laying on his back with his head turned to look out the window. He felt so tired, and he just didn't want to deal with false cheer and pleasantries right now. As terrible as it was to even think, he really wished everything could just go away right now. He's not so sure he would mind if it did.]

[The news about Luke was an especially hard hit for Nephry - like another family member gone, because their strange wider circle counted as family now. The rain casts a somber feeling over the whole thing, and it fits well enough and works its rainy gray magic. She spends the morning in her room, not in bed but not quite out of it either, contemplating the rush of water down the glass of her window.

Around lunch time she cleans herself up and goes to meet their remaining housemates in the kitchen...only to find Jade missing, and Ion equally absent. It feels like loneliness, the empty kind.

She doesn't bother to bother Jade, but she does go to knock on Ion's door, to check on him. He hasn't been doing very well lately.]

[The knock doesn't get an answer, even though Ion is fully-awake and capable of hearing it. It's not entirely closed though, so she'll only have to push it a bit for it to open -- and though he's not facing the door, he's obviously not asleep.]

[She only opens the door enough to see him in there.]

I'll make you something to eat, if you want it, Ion.

[Her voice is tired. Tired and heavy and sad. The non-answer stings.]

[He doesn't respond at first, instead rolling his head on his pillow to glance over at Nephry, and then back out towards the window. When he does speak, his voice more or less mirrors her own -- though he sounds far more tired than sad.]

...I'm not hungry. But thank you.

I see.

[A larger and larger part of her does not have the strength to keep asking him.]

You should try.

[What's the point?]

[He doesn't quite have the gall to say something like that to Nephry. Perhaps there's some part of him left that can still feel and that's vaguely aware that he's not the only one being affected by everything going on.]

...I know. I know I should. I just don't know if I could keep it down or not.

[You should try, she almost says again. But even Ion's best effort can't hide all of his bitterness. Nephry's hand rests on the door frame, while she tries to decide whether to go into the room or not.

Eventually some fragment of her usual self wins, and Ion will find half of his bed sinking because she's sitting on it, not talking. Just sitting.]

[As much as he may be trying to push people away right now, isolating himself in his room to wallow in sadness, being alone is hardly the best thing for him right now -- and it's certainly not what he really wants. It just felt easier to do than to try and face everything head-on.]

[The moment he feels the bed sink, he turns back to Nephry, not saying anything. Instead, he reaches out a hand towards her to take one of hers, as if hoping to convey his feeling while his words cannot.]

I don't remember agreeing to exchange Luke for Jade. They ought to have asked first. [Though Jade arrived weeks ago and Luke is just gone.

It isn't even really meant to make Ion feel better. She knows she can't.]

[No, there really isn't much right now that could make him feel better. And somehow knowing that only made him feel that much worse -- what a burden he must be right now, forcing Nephry to come in here and look after him, not even knowing what she must be going through with all of this...]

[His hand, though cold and trembling, tightens its grip around hers -- perhaps the only indication that he heard what she said.]

[But after a few moments of lingering silence, he manages a response of sorts, though it's rather cold, even considering his mood:]

...it doesn't seem like a very fair trade.

Did he say something hurtful to you? [This isn't what she meant to talk about, Ion's aversion to her brother, but she's been testy with him too lately so maybe they should.] Or do something?

[Slowly shaking his head.] It wasn't his fault... he didn't know. He brought up the draft, and... I suppose I still can't quite handle talking about it.

[Logically, he knows it's not Jade's fault. And yet he still can't help but feel as though it was -- as though somehow Jade should have known better.]

...I have been expecting him to know certain things, myself, and getting angry when he doesn't. [So Ion is not alone. At least, not in that.]

That draft was so long ago. You...you haven't ever talked about it?

...not with him, no.

[And Ion would much rather keep the conversation as far away from the draft itself as possible. Thankfully, there's a much more pressing matter at hand.]

I suppose I just can't understand him anymore. Not that I think I ever did in any great capacity, but... at the very least, I was sure we were still friends.

After years of thinking about it, I've decided that even he doesn't understand him. But, Ion...what did he do that makes you think you aren't friends?

It's... difficult to explain. Maybe it's just because I'm sick... but I can't help but get the impression that I'm nothing but a test subject to him. Like he's only helping me because he sees me as a puzzle that needs to be solved...

[Except there was no solution. What little hope Ion had for a cure flickered like a candle on a good day -- and on a day like today, it was put out entirely.]

...but Jade has always been like that. Perhaps I'm just the one who's changed.

He's not the same Jade that we knew here. [There was nothing of his experience in Luceti to change him. No Gelda Nebilim to forgive him.] I think it is especially hard when dealing with him because the differences became so pronounced.

[Not to you. Not my sister. Nephry closes her eyes and rubs her forehead.]

The man that he was...saw everyone as, I suppose, something to be analyzed, if not solved. To be dismantled for the sake of understanding what it was meant to do, and that includes why and how and what we choose to think.

But I know he doesn't think that way about you. Even if he doesn't grasp how to show the difference. ...He doesn't want anything to happen to you, either.

...I know he doesn't. And to be honest, I don't think this would even be an issue if I wasn't sick.

[It's true, really. If Ion wasn't sick, there wouldn't be as great a need for Jade to look after his health. Of course, even before this business with the miasma started up, Ion did have someone look after his health for various colds and flus... and perhaps it's that comparison that makes Jade's cold attitude towards Ion that much more pronounced. Dist may have never admitted how much he cared for Ion and the others in House One, but the truth of the matter is that he never had to. It was easy enough to see in his actions and reactions (and frequent overreactions). Jade wasn't quite as easy a man to read -- and, in his own words, he was a very cold person.]

[But that comparison is something Ion is only vaguely aware of himself. It isn't so much that Ion has started to dislike Jade, but rather, having Jade around to look after his health instead only reinforces the fact that Dist is gone. Even after all this time, he still misses him.]

I'm sure I'll re-adjust to him in time. It just seems like there's so much going on right now.

[So much that he let his own birthday pass without a second thought, even.]

It certainly does.

[And most of it isn't good. Nephry puts her other hand on top of the one Ion is holding hers with.]

I know I say this often these days, but you don't have to go through any of it by yourself.

...you probably wouldn't have to say it so much if I actually listened once in awhile.

[That would probably work better as a joke if it weren't so tragically true at times, but he manages a small, tired smile regardless. He knows Nephry is trying to help him feel better, and he can only imagine what it must be like to see him still so sick on top of dealing with everything that's been going on. It's all he can do to not just feel like an added burden on everyone right now. And his moping around probably wasn't helping matters, either.]

I suppose I just... don't know how else to deal with things right now. It's easier for me to try and not think about it.

[For a while, she sits there quietly. Enough time passes that once she does start talking again it might seem unconnected.]

Sometimes I think that because you never believed you were going to grow up, you also never prepared yourself for the things that would change once you did. Usually, when that happens, I have to laugh at myself because it isn't as though I was prepared, either - to gain and lose different responsibilities and expectations as a person, and somehow still remain the person I was.

One of those things I was unprepared for is that...that 'not thinking about it' is rarely an acceptable option. The world keeps moving forward no matter how much you want to lock yourself into a room where nothing changes as long as you don't acknowledge it.

[She finally looks at him with a faint smile.] I know I don't need to tell you that. I just think you haven't faced it as someone with a future, before.

[When Nephry starts to speak, at first the smile on Ion's face seems to disappear, his expression unreadable. It's only after she finishes talking that he sits up, with some effort, and brings a hand up to brush his hair from his face. But though his gaze remains downcast, his lips have curled into an odd smile.]

...it's funny. I thought I already learned this lesson. But I suppose it's been so long, I'd almost forgotten.

[How long had he spent in those first few years of life not thinking about anything? He just accepted the way things were for so long, never questioning why things were the way they were. It wasn't until he met up with the others that he began to change, living up to his potential as Fon Master to bring peace to the world -- rather than simply going with the flow and existing as a replacement for his original, never considering the life he held as his own.]

[But even so, there was a difference to consider here. Back on Auldrant, though it's true he was forced to make a choice that day in Mt. Zaleho, the fact of the matter is that his death was still his choice. And he was at peace with that choice. But in Luceti, there is no choice. He's going to die. Not today, and perhaps not even within a month's time, but he knows it could happen. And it terrifies him. It was difficult to think about the future with something like that looming over his shoulders -- even the present seemed too painful.]

...but even knowing what I shouldn't do, I still don't know what I should. I'm just... so tired of being sad. Of being in pain. If I were to acknowledge everything that's happened, I'm afraid I'd suffocate in it. And I don't want to lose any more of myself to this than I already have.

I wish I had a better answer for you. If telling you to decide to be happy instead would work, I would say it as often as possible. Maybe you won't lose yourself if you acknowledge it. [She wants to just hold him, but now more than ever it feels like an intrusion.] Maybe you'll find your way out of the sadness instead.

Appointments 2.0

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[May 13, Action] THIS TOOK 2 HOURS TO TYPE ION HAS TOO MANY FEELINGS

[May 13, Action]